Monday, March 30


ain't it just like the night to play tricks
when you're trying to be so quiet?
we sit here stranded
though we're all doing our best to deny it
and louise holds a handful of rain
tempting you to defy it

lights flicker from the opposite loft
in this room the heat pipes just cough
the country music station plays soft
but theres nothing, really nothing to turn off

just louise and her lover
so entwined
and these visions of johanna
that conquer my mind

in the empty lot where the ladies play
blindman's bluff with the keychain
and the all-night girls they whisper of
escapades out on the D train

we can hear the light watchman
click his flashlight
ask himself if it's him or them
it's insane

louise, she's alright, she's just near
she's delicate and seems like the mirror
but she just makes it all too concise and too clear
that johanna's not here

the ghost of electricity
howls in the bones of her face
where these visions of johanna
have now taken my place

now, little boy lost
he takes himself so seriously
he brags of his misery
he likes to live dangerously
and when bringing her name up
he speaks of a farewell kiss to me

He’s sure gotta a lot of gall
To be so useless and all
Muttering small talk at the wall
While I’m in the hall

Oh, how can I explain?
It’s so hard to get on
And these visions of Johanna
They kept me up past the dawn
Inside the museums
Infinity goes up on trial
Voices echo ‘this is what
Salvation must be like after a while’
But Mona Lisa musta had the highway blues
You can tell by the way she smiles

See the primitive wallflower freeze
When the jelly faced women all sneeze
Hear the one with the moustache say“Jeez, I can’t find my knees”

Oh, jewels and binoculars
Hang from the head of the mule
But these visions of Johanna
They make it all seem so cruel

The peddler now speaks to the countess
Who’s pretending to care for him
Saying, ‘name me someone that’s not a parasite
And I’ll go out and say a prayer for him.’

But like Louise always says
‘you can’t look at much can you man?’
As she, herself, prepares for him

And Madonna, she still has not showed
We see this empty cage now corrode
Where her cape of the stage once had flowed
The fiddler, he now steps to the road

He writes everything’s been returned which was owed
On the back of the fish truck he loads
While my conscience explodes

The harmonicas play
The skeleton keys and the rain
And these visions of Johanna
Are now all that remain


all pictures from weheartit

where id rather be

thoughts of a fanciful nature

i often think about how much i'd like to receive little notes like these
which is why tomorrow im going to make loads of these & distribute
them anonymously at school.
im thinking:
in french dictionaries & textbooks
library books
floated down the stairs from the 3rd/top floor
placed subtely in peoples bags/pencilcases
left on chairs in classrooms
lets create happiness :)
(or at least try to)


(glorious?) realisation?

im going off to study politics at edinburgh after summer, which i feel so grateful to be able to do, & i am sincerely interested in politics (i think everyone should be really, i adore it, & it affects almost every single thing in our lives, im constantly pestering friends to vote as some are 18. im not 18 till july:(

but, i really really do love film. i think if i was able to go to university forever, & had an endless amount of money to fund studying & accomodation, & various other expenditures, i think i would study politics, film/media/tv studies, history, journalism, law (thought about doing that a while ago), psychology, archaeology, swedish/norwegian/finnish (would quite like to learn a scandinavian language), french (i was going to study french&international relations for all of last year before suddenly changing my mind).

i fear i will never be able to settle on anything, & therefore, will never be truly happy.

waking life

They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.

The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. Because, if you can do that, you can do anything.

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving.

We have got to realize that we're being conditioned on a mass scale. Start challenging this corporate slave state. What a bunch of garbage; liberal, democrat, conservative, republican. It's all there to control you! Two sides of the same coin. Two management teams bidding for control, the CEO job of Slavery, Incorporated! The truth is out there in front of you, but they lay out this buffet of lies. I'm sick of it, and I'm not going to take a bite out of it, do you got me? Resistance is not futile, we're gonna win this thing, humankind is too good, we're not a bunch of under-achievers! We're gonna stand up, and we're gonna be human beings. We're going to get fired up about the real things, the things that matter! Creativity, and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit.

The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.

On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion.

Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence.

The ongoing WOW is happening right NOW.

Man on the Train: "Hey, are you a dreamer?"

Wiley: "Yeah."

Man on the Train: "I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced, ever. So whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting."

Did you ever have a job that you hated and worked real hard at? A long, hard day of work. Finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes and immediately you wake up and realize... that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free.

Dream is destiny.

Super perfundo on the early eve of your day.

Soap Opera Woman: "Excuse me."

Wiley: "Excuse me."

Soap Opera Woman: "Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?

There's only one instant, and it's right now. And it's eternity.

Sunday, March 29

the best remedy

ive been feeling quite ill lately, got some horrid flu bug thats been going around (began when the sun was shining & it seemed spring was first dawning, how annoying). didnt make it to school on friday, although ive been informed that i didnt miss a great deal. spent the majority of the weekend (& friday) repeatedly blowing my nose, putting on lipbalm, coughing, staying in bed in pyjamas, complaining, wandering listlessly around the house in search of tissues.

the only thing that really made my weekend better was today i made myself a minipicnic (soup, yoghurt,water,tea,apple), got back into bed & watched Amelie. its been so long since i watched it, i fell in love with it all over again but so much more intensely than before. i actually watched it twice,hehee.

without you, todays emotions would be the scurf of yesterdays

times are hard for dreamers

she cultivates a taste for small pleasures

in such a dead world, Amelie prefers to dream until she is old enough to leave home

only a fool looks at a finger that points to the sky

i am nobodys little weasel

we pass the time of day to forget how the time passes

with a prompter in a cellar window whispering comebacks, shy people would have the last laugh

Monday, March 23


i meant to say as well, 'the wrote & the writ' by johnny flynn is special to me, i think because my friend & i write letters to each other on a regular basis, even though we see each other everyday at school. every birthday gets a particularly special (translation: lengthy) letter, & over holidays where we are unable to slip them subtly into each others coat pockets we post them, or drop them off at each others houses (we live quite nearby each other). sometimes we email, but.. letters are just better & lovelier. i like to read them on the school bus home.
i think the majority of my innermost thoughts & secrets have been put down in those letters. my friend has kept them ALL which is pretty amazing since we started writing them about.. 3 years ago? & write at least one every week. i am less organised, but do have a huge pile in a box in my room.
a tradition we had for a while was inventing societies & clubs. like, at the end of a letter (ohh we had pen names also) i would say, 'yours finally unstressfully, Blue Paint, member of the chili dorito appreciation society (CDAS)' the CDAS was particularly popular. i miss chili doritoes, havent had them in ages.
we're currently going through an email phase, although my hotmail keeps going a little strange :s

well, there you go. hehee, that should have been one of my honesties. ohh, thats another recent tradition, at the end of every letter we put 5 'honesties'.
ohh well! i have some homework to do.
in better news,i was very shocked to find out today i passed my geography prelim. dad will be pleased:)

yours stressfully :)
(not really)

time for honesty.

ive been awarded my first ever tag..honest scrap:)"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or 2. Firstly you have to tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly you have to tag 10 people with the award."

ok.. 10 things you may not know...
  1. i went to hear Tommy Sheridan (leader of the Solidarity Party) speak (as part of a modern studies trip) & i don't think ANYTHING has ever inspired me to do something good. he is a truly amazing speaker, & talks so much sense, so powerfully. they gave him a microphone, but he seriously didnt need it. (i have also been inspired to do good through learning about the inequalities among people in modern studies. i honestly gasped when i heard this; in America, a black high school graduate earns 20% less than a white high school graduate, & a black professional earns 37% less than a white professional. i remain shocked & appalled). im beginning to wonder if im really a socialist at heart.
  2. right away after university i would love to go travelling. on my list are so many countries (new zealand, iceland, sweden, canada, south america, france-paris especially, all over africa, switzerland, russia, germany..basically, the whole world.) i really don't like the thought of eventually dying & realising i had only ever seen a very tiny part of the world. i dont know what i want to do after university, but if i dont end up in something politics-related i would like to work in a book shop for a while, then travel, then work for a bit, then travel..etc. before eventually settling down & starting my own book shop or bakery/cafe.
  3. my most serious vice would have to be crisps. i eat too many. i won't say how many a day, because in the past i have & people have been shocked. ohhh dear...on a bad day, four. i tried to convert to fruit crisps, but they hurt my teeth a little. at the moment, im transferring my affection onto sunbites (supposedly gaining 1/3 of my recommended daily intake of wholegrains, along with a huge load of other less healthy stuff).
  4. i also cannot start my day without a cup of tea. & i drink two small cartons of orange juice every day, & a big carton every week.
  5. i am incredibly nervous (but excited) about university. main fear is that my lack of cleverness compared to the other people at edinburgh will be exposed through tutorials because theyre smaller & more one-on-one. also, the usual, getting lost, not making friends, not coping with workload, not coping with finances, etcetc. university is actually very stressful. & i will be forever 2hours from my lovely lovely home.
  6. i pull my little ipod speakers so they sit inside the bathroom door & i can still close it, & listen to music every morning in the shower. i have special playlists for morning showering. & although i love listening to music in the shower, it actually has a more practical reasoning, because then i can kind of figure out how long ive been in (i tend to take very long showers somehow, i think there is a strange timewarp underfoot). only problem is, now i use songs as a measure of time, as in 'oh i won't be long, homework will only take about five songs'. very confusing to anyone but me.
  7. i am very,very scared of sharks, although i havent ever seen one, nor has anyone i know ever had an encounter with one. i think perhaps as a baby i was accidentally subjected to 'jaws' & its stuck with me subconsciously ever since. or, sharks are very scary.
  8. ive played clarinet for about six/seven years. i don't play as much as i used to because i dont get lessons anymore, but i used to be in the regional wind band & went to paris & played in disneyland. however, not as glamorous as it may sound, the uniform was tartan trousers with a big puffy black shirt (& mine, due to lack of supplies, was an extralarge, hence was extraextra puffy). also, marching in time & playing was pretty tough. slow marches are sooo difficult i think. we mainly played scottish music (eg.highland cathedral, thats my favourite) mixed in with glenn miller pieces, things like that.
  9. if i think i need cheering up i watch 'charlie & lola' (i have series one, hehee), or the secret garden, or a little princess. i have lost my tape of mary poppins though :( i love films.
  10. ahh the last one... i love books incredibly much, but i have to keep them perfect (ie. no marks on the spines or anything). im certainly not a perfectionist, im not quite sure why to be honest. either very marked or not at all, i feel. i particularly like old bashed books though.

ohh, there were more things i could have said, definitely. but i hope this will suffice?

& i dont really know who to tag.. anyone who reads this is tagged :) hehee, im not even sure if ten people will read this.

but, to whomever does, i hope you have thee loveliest day, followed by thee loveliest week.

its spring!



ive been informed by a very learned friend that spring has officially begun.
in the spirit of all things 'springy' i had lots & lots of fruit (grapes, strawberries & melon) for lunch, & ran around joyously.